Pregnancy 31w1d

I laid down to take a nap yesterday, hoping sleep would give me a break from the pain for a little while. Inara suddenly got very active, so I put my hand on my belly to feel her. She kicked hard in one spot, so I placed my fingers there, and she pushed her little foot up against them.

In that moment, separated by layers of skin, fat, and uterus, I was touching her. I started sobbing uncontrollably. I couldn’t possibly be more close to her physically, but she felt so far away. I wanted to hold her, touch her, see her. She’s out of reach and every day I have to wait kills me a little inside. I of course don’t want her to come before she’s grown, but my heart is breaking. I love her so much I could die. I just couldn’t stop crying.

Eventually, I calmed down. The pain and hormones are taking their toll, and probably my lower dose of Prozac too. There are so many reasons I just want this pregnancy to be over. I hope she’s done “baking” just a little early, I can’t help it. Holding her will make this all worth it.

On the lighter side, I’ve been having some wacky dreams lately. In one, my friends Joelle and Kristin and I, along with some random guy, were roommates at a Hogwarts-like school, but a modern building instead of a castle. Luna Lovegood went there too, and got “too popular” for some peoples’ liking, and they sabotaged her Klout score, so she got sad and dropped out. I don’t remember much else except taking a wrong turn on a staircase and having to climb a wall to get where I was going.

I’ve also had MANY dreams where I was back with ex-boyfriends, always with varying negative results. I mean, there’s a reason I’m not with them any more. But it’s SO WEIRD to be constantly dreaming about them. I also dreamed two nights ago that I sang “Phantom of the Opera” while ice skating. I don’t even know.

I have LOTS of breastfeeding dreams. It’s probably why I leak all night long. :P It always feels so real and amazing and perfect. I hope it goes that well in real life.

I also just realized today is the anniversary of my first due date. If that pregnancy had stuck, I’d have a one-year-old. As hard as it’s been, I believe I ended up where I was meant to. RIP my little angel baby.

Pregnancy week 31

How far along: 31 weeks

Baby is the size of: A pineapple

Maternity clothes: New gauchos and tank tops, non-maternity but big and stretchy.

Stretch marks: Lots

Sleep: Waking up in pain constantly, not sleeping well at all.

Best moment this week: Registry gifts from my in-laws! Stroller, Baby Bjorn, and baby bath!

Miss anything: Being able to do anything without pain. The ab pain is bad enough, but the wrist and hand pain affects everything I do.

Movement: She’s a gymnast, for sure. ;)

Food cravings: Salty snacks and gummy candy.

Anything making you queasy or sick: Still gagging at random times, or when I’m too hungry.

Have you started to show yet: Yep. I look pregnant.

Gender: Girl

Labor signs: I think I’m feeling some Braxton-Hicks on and off.

Belly button in or out: In

Wedding rings on or off: Off

Happy or moody most of the time: Moody. In so much pain.

Waist: 51″ (11″ growth total)

Comments: Hopefully I’ll be starting physical therapy soon. Waiting to hear back with my first appointment date. I cry all the time, I’m in so much pain. I can’t do anything. Funnily enough, the computer bothers me less than almost everything else. Things that hurt the most: going to the bathroom (pulling down pants, wiping), washing my hair, brushing my hair, getting dressed, holding a book, etc. I can’t escape using my hands. Getting up kills my abdomen, but I can’t use my hands for much support. I don’t know how much more I can take. And the nurse JUST called me. Physical therapy starts this coming Monday. Hopefully I’ll also be in prenatal water aerobics every Tues. and Thurs. evening starting May 6.

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Pregnancy 30w5d

Furniture! The nursery is almost done! Hubby picked up the toy box and bookcase from Unfinished Business on Saturday.

Furniture

Then we went shopping at Good Deeds and found an old classic rocking chair in great condition for only $40!

RockingChair

I also got my order from ThinkGeek with my “Inevitable Betrayal” talking dinos. ;)

Shelf

 

Waiting with bated breath for the mobile, name letters, blanket, etc. that are coming because those will complete the room! I need to put the toys and books away now that they have places too. SO EXCITED!

Less than three weeks till my baby shower. I can’t even believe it. Pray for good weather, because we just bought a patio set so we have plenty of outdoor seating! ;) There will also be a lot of kids that need to run off their energy. I’m keeping the poor kitties in the basement and out of their way, lol.

Still in pain. Waiting to hear back about physical therapy. As soon as I finish this post, I need to fill out my water aerobics application. I’m such a procrastinator. Trying to take walks but if I do anything, like chores or errands, I’m just too tired and in pain the rest of the day.

3D ultrasound this coming Sunday! My in-laws are driving up for it and my sister is coming. So happy. :)

Pregnancy 30w2d

Thank you, everyone, for your support and love yesterday. I’ve gotten some nasty comments on this blog before, and I was so relieved that didn’t happen this time. From comments from strangers here, to comments from friends on Facebook, to an email from my aunt, everyone was so encouraging and supportive. So, thank you.

After I posted yesterday’s entry, I got into a bit of a kerfluffle with a former friend on Facebook. We were both commenting on a mutual friend’s post, and he got really nasty and mean. Thankfully, I’ve been dealing with him long enough that it didn’t upset me, but I wasn’t unaffected either. It just astounds me how much vitriol he and his group of friends have toward me, when I honestly have no idea why they hate me so much. Out of all the people I know online and in person, about 90% like me and say I’m a nice person, and 10% hate me. Like, REALLY hate me. It makes me think: either I’m a REALLY good actress, to fool that 90%, or that 10% have problems that have nothing to do with me. I really doubt I’m that good of an actress.

To me, the worst part is that these people know I’m pregnant after two losses, they know I suffer from depression, and they know I’ve lost my mother. Yet they continue to antagonize me at every turn (yes, I’ve started blocking them). It just makes me sad, and it puts mutual friends in a bad spot. So, that didn’t help my day get any better, but I didn’t cry about it either.

Today is a new day. I slept very late, and woke up in tons of pain, but I’m here. Unfortunately, hubby is doing a sleep study tonight. I can’t remember the last time I slept alone. It needs to get done, for his health and my sleep quality, and he figured it’s better now than when I’m MORE pregnant, so I’m fine with him doing it. I’m just dreading being alone all night. I can’t sleep over anywhere, as I’d never be comfortable enough to sleep. It’s hard enough at home. Oh well. It’s just one night.

Tomorrow we’re picking up the toy chest and bookcase for Inara’s room. So excited! I also have a package from Geek-a-bye Baby in the mail, and I’m ordering a mobile from Rainbow Souffle. That will pretty much complete the nursery! I can’t believe it! :D

This is one of the things coming from Geek-a-Bye Baby. I’m freaking out at the sheer awesomeness!

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Pregnancy 30w1d

I’m having a rough day. It’s probably mainly hormones, but I’ve spent the last hour crying on and off.

I had an OB appointment today. The baby is fine, but my pain levels are as bad as always. Thankfully my OB is setting me up with physical therapy. They’ll be calling me back soon. She also noted my glucose is still a little high, and if it still is next week, she wants me to see a nutritionist. I just nodded, but it’s the last thing I want to do. She started going on about carbs and checking nutrition labels. Smile and nod. I’ll get mad later.

I was 200 lbs. pre-pregnancy (I’m 4’11″). Does she think I’ve never been on a diet? I was on Jenny Craig. I was on SparkPeople. I’ve used MyFitnessPal. I’ve been to a nutritionist. I know what’s healthy and what’s not, how to read nutrition labels, and what I “should” be eating. The problem is, every time I’ve gone down that road, it’s led to obsessive behaviors and worsening depression. Now, I’m too exhausted and in too much pain to cook. I grab what’s easy. Yes, it involves a lot of carbs, but I try to balance it out. I’m doing the best I can. If I had the energy and appetite to be eating salads all the time, I would be. I WANT what’s best for my baby. Unfortunately, that’s not always possible.

Once in my car, I just started crying. The whole nutritionist thing is so triggering for me. So many years of hating myself, of seeing food as the enemy, of being so hungry I cried because every diet had me on 1,200 calories a day. I know they wouldn’t expect that of me now, but it doesn’t matter. It’s a traumatic subject, something that was a big part of me starting on anti-depressants.

The OB also mentioned taking it easy around the house, that I don’t have to do everything. I’m a housewife. I don’t have any other job, any other kids. Do you know how USELESS it makes me feel to not even be able to do laundry or dishes? We’re not neat freaks by any means, but the guilt of my husband working all day then doing household chores is killing me. I feel like a leech. Am I just supposed to lie around and take occasional walks for the next two months?

And then I feel like it’s so unfair that some people have such easy pregnancies. And then I hate myself for not exercising more (though I was hardly sedentary) earlier in my pregnancy. I got home and sobbed so hard I scared my cats. Right now, I absolutely hate being pregnant. I hate saying that. I hate even thinking it. I don’t regret this pregnancy for a second, but I hate it. I can’t wait for it to be over. I know motherhood is an even bigger challenge, but this? I can’t do this. I can’t take this pain.

Some of you may be angry at this post. I know it sounds whiny and self-indulgent and I should just be grateful I’m pregnant. Trust me, I’m extremely grateful. I smile every time I feel her kick. She’s an amazing miracle. But pregnancy is the worst physical pain I’ve ever been in, and I have experience with pain. I miss my mom. I hate being alone all day. I’m miserable and depressed and I want my baby out of me and in my arms. I’m sorry if that pisses some people off. I wish with all my might I felt differently. I wish I could have enjoyed my only (full-term) pregnancy.

Pregnancy week 30

How far along: 30 weeks!!! 3/4 done!

Baby is the size of: A cucumber (just length-wise obviously)

Maternity clothes: Bought denim shorts in prep for warm weather. Of course it snowed today. :P

Stretch marks: Lots

Sleep: Bad insomnia, waking up in pain.

Best moment this week: Baby’s “first” PAX East ;) Oh and getting my first registry gifts!

Miss anything: Being able to walk without pain.

Movement: Lots! I can even see it from the outside! She pushed against my hand today. :)

Food cravings: Nachos

Anything making you queasy or sick: Still gagging at random times, or when I’m too hungry.

Have you started to show yet: Yep. I look pregnant.

Gender: Girl

Labor signs: Nope

Belly button in or out: In

Wedding rings on or off: Off

Happy or moody most of the time: Moody. In so much pain.

Waist: 51″ (11″ growth total)

Comments: The pain has reached nearly intolerable levels. I have an OB appointment tomorrow, and I’m going to ask about physical therapy. I also need to get her approval for water aerobics, but I’m sure she’ll be on board. I took a huge nap today and didn’t do anything. I’ve been going nonstop since Friday and it caught up with me. I’m about to leave for choir. Hopefully I get through it okay.

Week30

Pregnancy 29w6d

Hoooo boy, what a weekend! Our 3-day gaming convention (PAX East) was a challenge, but I made it through. We didn’t spend nearly as long there each day as we have in the past, but I did fairly well.

On Friday, we were there for over 10 hours. That pretty much exhausted me for the rest of the weekend, but I wouldn’t have missed any of those panels. One was on gamer parenting: the benefits of kids playing games, how to limit your child’s game time, how to ensure the games your child is playing are age-appropriate, etc. Lots of good advice. The second panel was something we go to every year, “Pitch Your Game.” It’s hilarious to hear what people come up with. Lastly we went to the Cards Against Humanity panel, helped suggest new cards, and got an exclusive expansion pack the next day of those cards. Win!

Saturday, we had planned on going in earlier, but I woke up and my body went NOPE. So we skipped the first panel we’d planned on and I got a couple more hours of sleep. We went in and saw the third round of the Omeganaut competition (they played Towerfall, which looks SO FUN) and a Geek & Sundry panel. In between, we found and hung out with friends. We were there for about 7 hours.

Sunday, I pushed myself to get out the door in the morning, because the last day is the shortest. We found my favorite web comic artist and bought a sketch, checked out the arcade gaming room, then watched a live D&D game, which was hilarious. Hung out with friends, got a hug from one of my dear Twitter friends that I only see each year at PAX, then watched the Omegathon finale. That was about a 6-hour day.

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I was in a LOT of pain at the end of each day, but I’m glad I went. In the end, I got lots of exercise, got out of the house, and had fun. One of my biggest challenges was long stretches of walking, because my hand using the cane would go numb. Another challenge is they changed some women’s rooms to men’s rooms this year because there’s supposedly SO many more men (even though it’s pretty much a 60/40 split), and I couldn’t always walk the extra distance. Luckily each men’s room had a family bathroom at the entrance, so I just used that. I would have been screwed otherwise. Not happy with that change, PAX! We brought plenty of snacks and water, but I found myself not drinking as much as I should because getting to a bathroom was such an inconvenience.

On the upside, I was able to get a medical badge, which meant I got priority seating at each panel and didn’t have to wait in line. That was a godsend, so thank you for that, PAX! I also could have used a wheelchair if I wanted, but it’s so crowded, it would have been a pain to navigate. Plus hubby would’ve had to push, as I don’t think my arms or hands would’ve been up to it.

Hubby took Monday off to recover (trust me, it’s needed!) and instead of relaxing all day, we ended up going shopping for a rocking chair, which involved even more walking, lol. Then I was going to take it easy today, but ended up driving to half a dozen stores in search of giant Easter eggs to put t-shirts in for my nieces and nephews. Plus it was pouring all day so that was pretty miserable. TOMORROW though, tomorrow I will rest a bit. Except for putting away laundry. And going to choir.

30 weeks tomorrow!!!