Cycle 4, CD15

Hey so, guess who hasn’t ovulated yet?

WTF is this crap?

Positive OPK after positive OPK, then nothing. It’s supposed to predict 24-48 hours ahead of time, so three in a row is unheard of. I guess. I don’t really know. It certainly hasn’t happened to me. I fully expected a temp spike this morning. I was sorely disappointed. The temp spike early in the month was possibly due to it being taken later, so I’m trying to disregard it. I’m REALLY hoping that wasn’t ovulation, but the temps didn’t stay up, so I doubt it? Ugh. My charts just keep getting more and more confusing every month. My body doesn’t seem to know WHAT it’s supposed to do.

Also, I was sure I saw some partial ferning in my spit on the Ovulite the other day, but now there’s none, and I’m starting to think it’s a piece of crap. Sigh. If this month doesn’t work, I think I’m investing in one of those expensive digital fertility monitors.

Like my TTC pal Stephanie, I too found out a relative is pregnant recently. My cousin’s wife is pregnant with her third, and it’s another “oops.” I sobbed. I can’t take this. I was supposed to be the next one in the family to have a baby. No one else is trying. Yet I try for months and she ACCIDENTALLY gets pregnant again? I know life isn’t fair, but THIS ISN’T FAIR. I’m so angry and jealous and sad and heartbroken I can barely stand it. I dread seeing her at a family gathering soon. I’m just going to want to cry. Or slap her. Birth control isn’t THAT hard, honey. Jesus.

We’ve been doing great with our TTC efforts. I just feel like my body isn’t cooperating. I’m desperately hoping I get my temp spike tomorrow morning. Otherwise this month is probably a wash.

I’m trying to stay positive, but my hormones are taking over. I cry, I dwell, I mope. I have some moments of sheer hopefulness, and then I crash again. I want this so badly it hurts. I’m ACHING for a baby. I’ve waited so long to get to this point in my life.

And now I’m crying again.


2 thoughts on “Cycle 4, CD15

  1. Oh hon, I know… I know! 😦 :HUGE FIERCE HUGS: There’s nothing I can say to make that better, but just know that… well, I get it. It sucks. Soooo fucking much.

    Give yourself time to grieve, process, do whatever you need to do. And don’t be mad at yourself if the feelings come back again and again. These are, for all intents and purposes, normal… and you shouldn’t feel bad for feeling these emotions. ❤

    You might want to look into PCOS during your Cycle 6. Three +OPKs in a row isn't completely out of the question, and when I look at your past charts, I actually see a clear ovulation pattern. Seeing the forest for the trees. 🙂 But if you're really concerned (and again, all feelings are valid!), go get it checked out.


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