Cycle 7, CD7

I’m doing awful about remembering to take my temp in the morning. It’s hard to get back into the habit. I’ll start doing OPKs tomorrow so that should help narrow down the fertile window. I have no idea if I’m still ovulating around day 14, so we’ll see.

The issue I’m having this cycle is depression. A lot is going on, the past 13 months of things going wrong is catching up with me, and the depression I’m sinking back into is NOT going to help my fertility.

In the past 13 months, I’ve lost my 2yo cat to a sudden and unexplained death, an aunt to a heart attack, a cousin to suicide, and my much-wanted baby to miscarriage. Every time I start picking myself back up again, something else goes wrong. Now, I’ve got some (now former) friends angry with me, through no fault of my own than that one of them hates everything about me and apparently “let’s just not be friends” wasn’t an option. She is sick and I feel horrible for her, but whenever I apologized for not knowing what I did wrong, I was ignored, until she finally let loose in a three-page email describing in detail every last thing she hates about me and why. Two mutual friends seem to be taking her side and now I feel nauseous every time I check my email or Twitter. I can’t take much more. Added to that is my former due date mate announcing her pregnancy (I DO NOT blame you hun, it’s nothing personal, but it just hurts so very much right now). I commiserated with a fellow recent miscarriage friend the other night, and was able to talk about it without crying, but now I keep getting reminded I should be 3 months pregnant and I just can’t stop breaking down at least once a day. This is all adding up to an extremely unsettled state of mind for me lately.

The only thing that could make me happy right now is getting pregnant again, and this depression is only going to make it more difficult. I’m barely functioning. I got up at noon today, it’s 1:20 now and I haven’t eaten yet. I’ve already cried twice. The fact that I’m showered and dressed is a miracle. I started the laundry but I have a paid sewing project that I have to do and I just can’t even deal with it right now. I’m behind on putting away laundry and after I’m done with today’s, it’s only going to be worse. I can’t deal. I want to disappear.

We just got back from a vacation in Mexico a week ago. Everything was perfect there. I had no worries. I come home and everything comes crashing back. I need a vacation from myself. I’m my own worst enemy.


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