Cycle 7, CD24, DPO15?

Woke up to a dropped basal temp. Immediately sobbed. Another month gone with no hope. I don’t know how much more of this I can take. And no, taking a break from trying is not an option. It’s not the trying that’s hard, it’s the not being pregnant. Every month I’m not pregnant breaks my heart a little more.

I sobbed in the shower, begging the goddess to forgive whatever I did to deserve this. I’m not very religious, but I believe in karma to a point (that point being where I don’t believe my mother deserved to die of cancer). I haven’t been perfect, but I’ve been apologizing and trying to set things right, and all I’ve gotten is anger in return. I’m trying to be a better person, and not just so karma will reward me. I just want to be happy with who I am. Apparently I’m not good enough.

I had a dream a few nights ago that I ran into my cousins’ pregnant wives, and I was so sad I could barely look at them. Then I ran into my cousin who had a miscarriage on either side of giving birth to her daughter, the only cousin I’ve told about my miscarriage because I know she understands. In the dream, she was pregnant, and she looked at me so guiltily, feeling so badly that she too got pregnant before me, but I wasn’t upset at all. I was so happy for her, because she’s suffered so much. Her last failed pregnancy had her due at the same time as a cousin’s wife. When she held that baby, her haunted look would stay with me forever. I don’t want to be haunted when my cousins’ wives have their babies early next year. I want to be happy. Dear gods, I just want to be HAPPY again.

This. This evil temperature. I hate it SO MUCH.



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