Baby steps (no pun intended). I just have to remind myself to take baby steps. I’m not going to be perfectly happy overnight. I’m still going to have my moments of irrational jealousy and anger.
Someone who got married the same weekend as another online friend and I said hi to us on Twitter today. I unfollowed her ages ago because we have absolutely nothing in common other than when we got married. Since she said hi, I checked her timeline to see what she was up to. Of course, I knew I’d find this…she’s had a baby. The other mutual friend has struggled with infertility for years, and you obviously know how my efforts are going. She was a perfect beautiful size 0 bride and now of course just 2 years later she has her perfect baby.
The jealousy came back, strong as ever. Stupid skinny girls and their perfect lives and bodies and babies. I of course know that’s stupid, as many skinny women suffer with infertility too. But I just HATED her so much in that brief moment, and then felt guilty as hell. Of course, I was also eating Cheez-Its at that moment, so I threw a little self-loathing in for good measure.
And here I am again, nearly in tears because someone else got what I want so badly. Please. I just want a baby. Is that so much to ask?