Um. Holy crap. I certainly wasn’t expecting this.
I know it’s hard to see the second line in the photo. Though faint, it’s definitely there. A line’s a line.
And now I’m completely freaking out.
Of all the months I had convinced myself I was pregnant when I wasn’t, this was the one month I had completely written off. I was prepared for my period. I wasn’t prepared for this. Now, all I can do is pray I don’t lose this one too. I’m not happy. Maybe a little, but I’m more terrified than anything else. I don’t want to get my hopes up again. I don’t want to plan and be happy and have it all come crashing down AGAIN.
I wish I could be happy. I wish this was the first time all over again, full of wonder and excitement. I’ve been damaged. I’ve been crushed.
I’ve been keeping up with my meditation and starting with the new year, added affirmation cards and tarot to the mix. Today’s affirmation card (randomly chosen from the deck) is:
When I focus on positive energy, I am aware that I attract more of it.
Ain’t that the truth. This was the first month I had truly let go, gave up any delusions of control, and gave it over to the God and Goddess. I meditated daily on taking care of my body and letting things happen when they want to. It looks like I’ve been rewarded. I’m trying to walk the fine line of positivity and realism. I want to be positive and hopeful and sure, but I also don’t want to be so optimistic that I completely break down when/if I lose this pregnancy.
The tarot card I pulled today was Death. Yes, that sounds scary, but it actually means “new beginnings.” (Death card reversed is the scary one.) I feel that’s very appropriate.
The conclusion I come to is this: I am going to be a wreck if I miscarry again, whether I dwell on it or not. I might as well try to stay positive and help my body do its thing. Even my husband, in a complete role reversal, keeps telling me, “This is a good thing! Be happy!” while I’m the one freaking out. I know he’s just trying to help and is probably almost as scared as I am, if only because he doesn’t want to see me go through that nightmare again.
It’s just SO HARD to be happy when I’m convinced I’m going to lose it again.