I might be getting annoying with the constant updates, but I find myself needing to just write it out.
I’m not an overly religious person, but I feel that rediscovering my spirituality may have led to this pregnancy. I know it was probably bound to happen again eventually, but it was THIS cycle I set up my altar and prayed and lit a fertility candle and wore a fertility necklace. I can’t help but think maybe, just maybe, this is my prayers coming true. And if it is, then I’m surely not going to miscarry this one, right?
Then again, that’s a dangerous line of thinking for me. I just can’t help feeling that if I expect to miscarry, somehow it’ll be easier. I know it won’t be. I know it’s going to be horrible no matter what. But I just can’t shake the feeling that I can’t afford to be confident, that I can’t afford to HOPE. Because what will I do when it all comes crashing down? How will I survive that?
I want to believe the God and Goddess are on my side. I want to believe my prayers came true and everything’s going to be fine. I want to be happy and excited and joyful.
My card pulls during today’s meditation were appropriate. Both related to courage. It’s exactly what I need. I need courage to believe and hope. I need courage to trust my body, a body that keeps letting me down.