Cycle 12, CD4

Last cycle was really short; only 25 days. Very annoying. It was also a doozy of a period. Very heavy and crampy. I usually only have a 3-day period but I’m still spotting on day 4.

So this morning was my follow-up consultation with my RE. My husband came with me just in case. As I’d suspected, I had low progesterone levels. It was 5.64, and needs to be about 15. I was right all along.

Next, they’re going to check how my thyroid is doing on meds on Mar. 29, and if my TSH is fine, they’ll start me on progesterone. If not, they may adjust my thyroid meds dosage. If that takes a few months, then fine, because we’re not TTC again till June or July.

At first, I was psyched that it was something common and fixable. I still am, really. But later at therapy it hit me: the problem was with my body, not with the fetuses. All that crap about  “You miscarried because something must’ve been wrong with the baby” was wrong. The babies were probably fine. It was my body that failed. I briefly carried two potential babies and now they’re dead. The grief is overwhelming. It wasn’t them. It was ME.

I know it’s not my fault. I know there’s nothing I could have done. Hormone problems happen. It wasn’t my weight or what I eat. But my body killed my babies and it makes me SO ANGRY. I feel betrayed by my own body and it’s a horrible feeling.

As a result, I’m feeling a little rough now. I had some wine. I may ask hubby to make dinner. I’m just so frustrated and disappointed with my body.

I need a break. I wish I could get away from all the reminders and the Internet and just life in general. (Yes I know I could just not go online but I’m home alone all day and it keeps me sane.) I know I don’t have a hard life, I know it could be so much worse, but my heart hurts and I want to get away. I just want to forget, just for a little while.

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