Cycle 12, CD9

Today’s been rough. I’d been distracted with an awesome gaming convention from Friday to Sunday, and now that it’s over, all my grief from last week is rushing back. I’ve been crying and pissed off all day. I can’t even put a finger on specifically why, I’m just SAD and enraged. That’s depression for you, I guess.

Then a cousin made a pregnancy joke on Facebook and a couple got pregnant on the TV show I was watching, and any recovery I had made this evening is gone. I’m so ANGRY. Even my blog title is making me cry. Cycle TWELVE? We’ve been at this for almost a year! I’ve been on a sickening roller coaster of hormones and emotions and tests and treatments. I HATE THIS. I hate every pregnant woman right now, real or fictional. It’s irrational and stupid but I just HATE them for having what’s been denied to me.

I know this will all be over someday. I know at some point I’ll be a mother. But I keep getting reminded OVER and OVER that I’d be less than a month away from meeting my baby right now if my body hadn’t killed it. MY BODY. How is that fair?

I’m TERRIFIED to start trying again. Yet every day that I’m not pregnant kills me just a little more. I’m petrified of becoming a mother, and even more scared to never experience it. All of this is warring in my head and my heart every day and if I leave the house there are babies and pregnant women and if I stay inside and go online there are babies and pregnant women and they’re on TV and they’re in my family and I just can’t ESCAPE.

Sigh. Sorry. On a brighter note, I asked and the universe gave. Due to some unexpected money, we will be able to go to NYC after all. Hopefully sometime in the next couple of months. So there’s that.

I just have to hang on. I just have to get through this, one day at a time.


2 thoughts on “Cycle 12, CD9

  1. Hi. Since the last time I left a reply, some time has passed, and two miscarriages. One yours, one mine.
    Like you, the first pregnancy lasted somewhat longer than the second, and both losses left me terrified. Doctors told me that it wasn’t my fault, I myself was the first to say “it’s for the best, it’s nature’s way of dealing with an unviable baby”.
    The thought of being monitored felt both good (I’m being taken care of now) and bad (what does this mean for me in the long run?). Having blood tests keep coming back normal is not reassuring, as it always means that there’s something bigger which is the issue, something less obvious. What if it goes on like this for months and they’ll never find the issue?

    They still haven’t. My private physician, who I went sobbing to over a month ago, told me to take a baby aspirin, some maca root, vitamin D and iron supplements (on top of the ones in the prenatal multivitamins), omega 3 (which I should be taking anyway, cholesterol issues), drink pomegranate juice (both me and my husband) and make sure my husband takes his multivitamins as well. Add to that the fact that (I know you won’t laugh) my fertility amulets finally came in the mail the same day, after over 2 months delay, I felt like I was doing everything possible short of medical intervention. And I got my BFP in that cycle. I’m still terribly early along, and I still haven’t gone beyond the date I managed to reach with my first m/c, so I still don’t actually consider myself pregnant. But I am still amazed that so far (fingers crossed), with my fertility charms and all that help from my doctor, everything seems to be on track. I’m not suggesting you do the same as me obviously, especially not without consulting a doctor, I just want to point out the following:

    All that I’ve done to “achieve” this pregnancy, is really silly. The most “medical” thing in the hoard of pills I take is the baby aspirin, and even that is over the counter. On the one hand, that’s all that’s keeping me sane these days, and I am convinced that as long as I keep taking them, everything will be fine. I’m doing everything right this time.
    On the other hand, I keep thinking “This is what’s keeping me pregnant? Fruit juice, and fish oil and some Peruvian root? Are you effing kidding me?”, and it gets me so angry, because if that’s all it takes, then it WAS my fault that two babies died. It WAS my body that failed them. All that BS about “Nature’s way…” was just to make me feel better, but it was wrong, and if I had a better nutrition, I could have already been holding my first baby.
    And it goes even further. What if this is all good and dandy for the first trimester, but then my body fails this pregnancy in the second trimester, for different and again unknown reasons? I can’t go through all of this again. I feel like I’m in a video game, and even though I keep leveling up, I suddenly make a wrong move, jump into a precipice, and have to start all over again at level zero.

    And I see others with their babies, and saw how carefree their pregnancies were, and it kills me inside, because I am a nervous wreck, and I always will be. Infertility (because when you’re at cycle 23, that’s basically what it is) doesn’t stop just because of a BFP. It’s always a part of you, and I can’t let it, or the anger associated with it, go.

    All this just to let you know, you’re not alone, and you’re terribly justified to have those thoughts and that anger and that terror.


    • I’m sorry, I’ve been meaning to reply to you and then I forgot and I just saw this again and smacked myself. I wanted to tell you THANK YOU because you really truly get it and it’s so hard for me to find that. After I type this I’m going to check on your blog to see if you’re still pregnant. Thank you for your thoughtful words and I wish you the best of luck. *hugs*

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