That awful day is coming: my first due date. April 24. I’ve been dreading this day for almost 8 months now. My due date buddy has had her baby; he came a bit early but is beautiful and healthy. I’m happy for them. And honestly, selfishly, it makes it easier to not have her giving birth right now, when it hurts the most. It’s over. This is my time to grieve.
I don’t think my husband quite understands the power a date on the calendar can have over me. He’ll probably read this. I’m sorry, honey, for saying here what I can’t say aloud. Sometimes writing is just easier.
Dates hurt. They keep adding up. I have so many painful dates.
- January 13 – My second miscarriage (the day before my husband’s birthday)
- April 2 – My mother’s birthday
- April 24 – My first due date
- May 3 – My horrible ex’s birthday and my parents’ wedding anniversary (both remind me painfully of happy times that were destroyed)
- May 10 – My cousin’s suicide (and my jerk of a father’s birthday)
- Mother’s Day – Always hard, now harder
- June 23 – My mother’s death
- August 22 – My first miscarriage
- September 13 – My second due date
- October 10 – My beloved cat Ron’s death (the day after our first wedding anniversary)
Gods, when I list it like that, it looks even worse. Most of these are hitting one-year anniversaries this year: the due dates, the miscarriages, my cousin’s death.
I know they’re just numbers. I know they’re just dates. But they’re etched painfully on my heart, numbers I’ll never forget, numbers that hurt so deeply. A reminder every time I turn on my cell phone and see the date. A reminder of the sorrow and grief and hopelessness. A reminder of what was taken from me.
As I sit here drinking wine at 1:30 in the afternoon, trying to get to that place where it doesn’t hurt so much, I’m going to think of the happy dates.
- January 14 – My husband’s birthday (1976)
- February 14 – Valentine’s Day, my third favorite holiday.
- May 7 – The day my husband proposed (2009)
- June 15 – My sister’s wedding day (this year)
- August 18 – My first date with my husband (2007)
- October 9 – Our wedding anniversary (2010)
- October 31 – Halloween, my favorite holiday
- September 14 – My sister’s birthday (1987)
- November 21 – My birthday (1981)
- December 25 – Christmas, my second favorite holiday
The year can be full of joy to offset the sorrow. I’m trying. I try so hard.
Last night I had a nightmare. I accidentally got pregnant again before starting progesterone. I was desperately trying to get to a doctor to save the pregnancy, but when I gave a pee sample, I was already bleeding. Just like my last pregnancy, I’m never going to be pregnant again without being terrified of losing it. Pregnancy has been ruined for me. I’ll feel joy at the milestones, if I ever get there, but underneath it all will be the absolute terror of losing it again. My life is one big series of losses. Some gains, plenty of love, but so many losses. My fear of loss is crippling. I imagine losing my husband, my sister, my cats, over and over, waking and sleeping.
I’m so tired of being sad and afraid. So very tired.