Due Date

I never got to meet you
Or bestow on you a name
But please know that in my heart
I loved you just the same

You were part of my own body
Nestled deep inside
I felt such pain, in body and soul
When I realized you had died

Today you might have been with me
In my arms, bundled warm and tight
Instead my arms are empty
And I cry throughout the night

I dream of what you might have been
Boy or girl, and light or dark?
Instead I’ll never know for sure
Since fate doused your little spark

I try to go on living
As though my heart weren’t torn in two
I see others with their little ones
And I don’t know what to do

I ache to hold your tiny hands
I yearn to know your face
But someday there’ll be a baby
That still cannot take your place

You’ll always be my first, my love
Special in my heart
I keep trying to move forward
But I don’t know how to start

I love you, little dear one
Someday it might not hurt so much
Please know that you’re my angel
Though I never felt your touch

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6 thoughts on “Due Date

  1. You said in the previous post that your husband doesn’t “get” your unhappy anniversaries. Did he see the poem? Did that clear anything up/open a dialogue? I ask because I am impertinent but also because I sort of dont get it, either.

    I’m not a Sally-Sunshine person by any means, but I don’t get why you focus on so many negative anniversaries, either. I’m not saying dont have them (and please don’t rea this as judgment on my part that you have them; it’s not), but spending so much of your year remembering terrible things… It’s got to take a toll, doesn’t it? Big things, like the passing of loved ones, I understand observing each year. Remembering your dad’s birthday, when your opinion of him is so low.. Isn’t that just a waste of energy you could put elsewhere? Like volunteering for a cause that he hated (stick it to the man!) and helping others, instead? Sort of like turning it into a good anniversary? I dunno. I am just spitballing, and possibly overstepping bounds. I am sorry if I come across this way. I am just not into wasting energy on negative things like that, because I get this one life and want it to be stellar in all ways, so I work hard at acknowledging that bad happens, but doing what I can to change it into something happy. And this means I have a hard time understanding when other people choose to do the opposite. It makes me genuinely curious.

    I was just wondering. I hope today is better for you then yesterday was.

    • I don’t know if he read it. We’ve had a houseguest for the last 2 months so it’s a little difficult to have private discussions.

      You misunderstand my anniversaries. I don’t dwell all day on every single one, I’m merely aware of the day and it may make me sad. In fact, I didn’t even cry once yesterday.

      If you have any more “impertinent” questions, don’t bother asking them. This blog is my safe space and I don’t feel like wasting energy defending my feelings to a stranger.

  2. I am genuinely sorry you took my comment so negatively. I was not trying to make you upset; I was asking a question. I guess I’ve misread/misinterpreted your posts. My apologies. To me, some of them came across, in combination with your twitter, as dwelling. If you say you don’t, I believe you. I only know what you present to the world via your written word. Perhaps I am projecting.

    Again, I apologize.

    • It was a very sad day for me. It’s the first due date to ever pass by for me with no baby. I ate cookies, drank wine, took care of myself, and wrote a poem. That’s how I deal with unending sadness. Please don’t tell me how to feel.

  3. I just found your blog and absolutely loved this poem. I, too, have been dealing with miscarriages, and have just decided to stop and try working on adoption. And I’ don’t think you’re dwelling, I think you’re commemorating someone important.

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