I’ve decided not to continue trying to conceive. There are a lot of reasons. Not getting pregnant means I can take whatever drugs necessary to get my body in working order. I think my main reason is I just can’t lose another. I know it could be so much worse. I know women who have tried for years, who have lost a dozen pregnancies, who have had much later miscarriages or even still births. I know what I went through can never compare to those tragedies. But I also know how completely and utterly I’ve been changed by my losses, how hard they were for me on top of the other griefs I’ve suffered in my life, and I just can’t do it again.
So now we’re full circle, back to adoption. Part of me wishes we had just stuck with the adoption plan from the start, but I know we are where we are for a reason. I am so much stronger now than I ever thought I could be. We’re also in the (very stressful) process of moving closer to my family and buying our dream home, surrounded by nature. None of that would be happening if we had a baby already. Now I’ll be near the support of my family when we do bring home a little one, and I know I’ll need it.
Hopefully, sometime this fall, we’ll be in our new home and starting the adoption process. We’ll be writing a profile for birth mothers to see, explaining why we will be awesome parents for their baby. We will tell her all about my huge, supportive family living nearby, and show her photos of our amazing house. We will tell her that my husband and I are so ridiculously in love and have the strongest relationship anyone could imagine.
This blog will no longer have cycles and ovulation dates in the entry titles. It’s no longer about what my body can or cannot do. Our lives are going in a whole new direction and someday, somehow, we’ll find the tiny soul that is meant to be placed in our keeping.