Pregnancy 12w5d

Instead of trying to reword it, I’ll just paste what I tweeted a few minutes ago:
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I don’t feel like my pregnancy is real. I can’t really connect to the fact that I’m having a baby. I haven’t been nearly as excited or as emotional as I expected to be. I, who cries at movies, TV shows, and books on a regular basis, have only cried once this pregnancy, and it was (briefly) with relief after my second beta. I haven’t cried at any ultrasound. I’m happy, sometimes, but not EXCITED. I’m not ungrateful, or regretful, I just don’t feel much of anything. And it’s making me feel guilty and awful. I’ve wanted a baby FOREVER. This is my dream come true. Yet I can’t even be bothered to eat well and exercise. I just want to sleep or play computer games. I have to force myself to update my pregnancy journal. I haven’t been singing or reading to the baby or anything I expected to do. I’m hoping the first kick does it, or finding out the gender so I can call it by name. It’s killing that I’m not more excited. 😦
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I went on to add that I don’t feel depressed about it, and that my previous miscarriages are probably making me afraid to get attached. My hormones are probably what’s making me so tired and picky about food.

It just seems so abstract. I can’t grasp the fact that there’s a person in there, MY CHILD, even after seeing it move on the ultrasound. I just can’t wrap my head around it. And not in a “wow I’m so amazed” kind of way; more of a “it’s too much to think about so I won’t” kind of way.

I thought I’d be blissful and excited and filled with joy. Instead, I’m just waiting to really feel much of anything.

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5 thoughts on “Pregnancy 12w5d

  1. Sarah, this isn’t at all uncommon–particularly prior to “quickening”. I didn’t have those feelings till well into my last trimester. For some moms those feelings don’t kick in until a baby starts to *smile*!! I definitely had odd moments of detachment and ambivalence all along. I think in your case that’s probably compounded by comparison to the maelstrom of feelings around conception. Just remember there is no normal here. Don’t measure yourself against Hallmark cards!

  2. Hugs to you! I’ve been following your blog for awhile now, since I am TTC as well. I’m so excited that you are pregnant and can’t wait for your new post each week! I’m sure you will be settling into pregnancy more and more as time goes on!

  3. I agree with everything Darcy said. Your feelings are not at all uncommon. Why should they be. You can not feel a baby yet and it is all a bit surreal. Usually there is not one big day that you wake up and the feelings kick in but very slowly (sometimes not till after the baby is born and then some). The next 8 weeks are long and without much change so settle in and just bide your time. It will all come in it’s own time but maybe not as dramatically as you expected.

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