Instead of trying to reword it, I’ll just paste what I tweeted a few minutes ago:
I don’t feel like my pregnancy is real. I can’t really connect to the fact that I’m having a baby. I haven’t been nearly as excited or as emotional as I expected to be. I, who cries at movies, TV shows, and books on a regular basis, have only cried once this pregnancy, and it was (briefly) with relief after my second beta. I haven’t cried at any ultrasound. I’m happy, sometimes, but not EXCITED. I’m not ungrateful, or regretful, I just don’t feel much of anything. And it’s making me feel guilty and awful. I’ve wanted a baby FOREVER. This is my dream come true. Yet I can’t even be bothered to eat well and exercise. I just want to sleep or play computer games. I have to force myself to update my pregnancy journal. I haven’t been singing or reading to the baby or anything I expected to do. I’m hoping the first kick does it, or finding out the gender so I can call it by name. It’s killing that I’m not more excited. 😦
I went on to add that I don’t feel depressed about it, and that my previous miscarriages are probably making me afraid to get attached. My hormones are probably what’s making me so tired and picky about food.
It just seems so abstract. I can’t grasp the fact that there’s a person in there, MY CHILD, even after seeing it move on the ultrasound. I just can’t wrap my head around it. And not in a “wow I’m so amazed” kind of way; more of a “it’s too much to think about so I won’t” kind of way.
I thought I’d be blissful and excited and filled with joy. Instead, I’m just waiting to really feel much of anything.