I have been having some REALLY weird dreams since becoming pregnant. Some seem more meaningful than others. I want to try to write some down before I forget.
One night (or early morning, as it were) I dreamed my mother was still alive and we were both sleeping in what is my kitchen in my new house, but it was a bedroom in the dream, with the same sliding door. In the dark, I heard the door open and a bear come in (I could just barely see it). I could hear my mom snoring (which was really me hearing my husband snoring) and I started screaming, but she wouldn’t wake up. I felt the bear come up to me and start sniffing my ear (which may have been a cat in real life, lol) and I screamed louder, but she still didn’t wake up. I finally woke up, heart racing, absolutely terrified. I think it represents how scared I am to go through pregnancy, childbirth, and motherhood without my mother here. I wish she were here to comfort me. I also have so many questions about her own pregnancies that I’ll never know the answers to.
Another, more pleasant, dream was that my husband and I were on vacation with my entire family and he and I decided to start far away from the resort and swim through various bodies of water, ending up at the resort pool. We had lots of fun and turned it into a race at the end, which I just barely won. We were laughing and telling various family members about our fun. I’m not sure exactly what it means, but I liked it.
In other news, my skin is a wreeeeck. OMG. So gross. I’m used to having acne, but it’s out of control now. I even have blackheads, which haven’t happened since I was a teen. I also can’t use all my strong acne washes and creams, just pregnancy safe stuff, so it’s not even making a dent. Oh well. It’s a minor concern. Still queasy a lot, still gagging, but haven’t thrown up again. Still exhausted and peeing a lot. Boobs hurt more and nipples are more sensitive.
I have maternity underwear on the way, and have found that my leggings, which I assumed would fit for a while, are starting to feel too tight. I went looking for maternity leggings online. They’re freaking expensive! And of course, there’s even less selection in plus size. Forget trying to buy jeans. Plus petite maternity is very hard to find, and the ones I did find were still a 30″ inseam, which is 3 inches too long. Yes, I could hem them, but that’s a lot of hassle for already expensive pants I won’t be wearing for very long. I hardly ever wear jeans anyways, so I’ll just skip those. I ended up buying 4 pairs of leggings, a pair of loose pants, and a skirt at Destination Maternity. You don’t want to know what it cost, and it was all on sale. Ridiculous. But they all have the over-the-belly panel that I wanted, so hopefully I’ll be comfortable. Most of my skirts that I wear with leggings can be pulled up over the belly, and I have lots of loose dresses and long sweaters and tunics. I shouldn’t need any tops till it gets warmer and I have a bigger bump.
I discovered that Destination Maternity, Motherhood Maternity, and A Pea in the Pod are all the same company, with the same clothes and prices. Target wasn’t any cheaper and had less selection. Old Navy was cheap but small selection (leggings only came in black) and bad reviews on quality. Wal-Mart had nothing for plus-size maternity. Options are much more limited than I realized they’d be. Being fat and short is hard enough, but being fat, short, and pregnant leaves you with VERY few options.
My next appointment is January 9, so I’m left hanging for a while. I hope to try my fetal doppler again soon, hopefully with my husband’s help. Otherwise, not much going on. My stomach feels different to the touch. Much less squishy in the upper half, like I can feel everything that’s moved up there out of the way. After growing 5 inches then staying the same for a while, I think I’m starting to grow again. I’m getting closer to looking pregnant, instead of just fat, or at least in certain outfits. Still waiting for this to feel real.