Pregnancy 30w1d

I’m having a rough day. It’s probably mainly hormones, but I’ve spent the last hour crying on and off.

I had an OB appointment today. The baby is fine, but my pain levels are as bad as always. Thankfully my OB is setting me up with physical therapy. They’ll be calling me back soon. She also noted my glucose is still a little high, and if it still is next week, she wants me to see a nutritionist. I just nodded, but it’s the last thing I want to do. She started going on about carbs and checking nutrition labels. Smile and nod. I’ll get mad later.

I was 200 lbs. pre-pregnancy (I’m 4’11”). Does she think I’ve never been on a diet? I was on Jenny Craig. I was on SparkPeople. I’ve used MyFitnessPal. I’ve been to a nutritionist. I know what’s healthy and what’s not, how to read nutrition labels, and what I “should” be eating. The problem is, every time I’ve gone down that road, it’s led to obsessive behaviors and worsening depression. Now, I’m too exhausted and in too much pain to cook. I grab what’s easy. Yes, it involves a lot of carbs, but I try to balance it out. I’m doing the best I can. If I had the energy and appetite to be eating salads all the time, I would be. I WANT what’s best for my baby. Unfortunately, that’s not always possible.

Once in my car, I just started crying. The whole nutritionist thing is so triggering for me. So many years of hating myself, of seeing food as the enemy, of being so hungry I cried because every diet had me on 1,200 calories a day. I know they wouldn’t expect that of me now, but it doesn’t matter. It’s a traumatic subject, something that was a big part of me starting on anti-depressants.

The OB also mentioned taking it easy around the house, that I don’t have to do everything. I’m a housewife. I don’t have any other job, any other kids. Do you know how USELESS it makes me feel to not even be able to do laundry or dishes? We’re not neat freaks by any means, but the guilt of my husband working all day then doing household chores is killing me. I feel like a leech. Am I just supposed to lie around and take occasional walks for the next two months?

And then I feel like it’s so unfair that some people have such easy pregnancies. And then I hate myself for not exercising more (though I was hardly sedentary) earlier in my pregnancy. I got home and sobbed so hard I scared my cats. Right now, I absolutely hate being pregnant. I hate saying that. I hate even thinking it. I don’t regret this pregnancy for a second, but I hate it. I can’t wait for it to be over. I know motherhood is an even bigger challenge, but this? I can’t do this. I can’t take this pain.

Some of you may be angry at this post. I know it sounds whiny and self-indulgent and I should just be grateful I’m pregnant. Trust me, I’m extremely grateful. I smile every time I feel her kick. She’s an amazing miracle. But pregnancy is the worst physical pain I’ve ever been in, and I have experience with pain. I miss my mom. I hate being alone all day. I’m miserable and depressed and I want my baby out of me and in my arms. I’m sorry if that pisses some people off. I wish with all my might I felt differently. I wish I could have enjoyed my only (full-term) pregnancy.

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4 thoughts on “Pregnancy 30w1d

  1. You are allowed to feel this way and you are allowed to have all these emotions. They’re yours and they are justified and they are real.

    Im sorry its tough for you. You’re almost there, though. Think of the little baby you’ll be holding soon.

    Being pregnant is something people always say “you need to enjoy your pregnancy! It wont last forever!” but you dont HAVE to. These people are just trying to be optimistic (or they’ve never BEEN pregnant!) Jesus, its more bad than good- feeling enormous, throwing up all the time, watching what you eat and dont eat, being hormonal, being gassy, being exhausted, excruciating pain in all your muscles and joints, getting stuck in/on the couch (okay, this can’t just happen to me, right?) engorged hands and feet, usually no sex , feeling guilty for all reasons… That isnt fun! No one enjoys that!

    Feel what you feel and don’t be ashamed of it. And in terms of feeling like a leech you’re not alone. My hubby works all day and then does dishes and I have the hormonal nerve to snap at him about the cat litter… Ugh! I hate myself sometimes.

    It wont be forever and it’s worth it. You know that. Your hubby knows that. You’re growing a human!

    🙂

  2. I’m sorry things are so hard. I can relate to how you feel in a lot of ways. I’m just a couple weeks behind you in my first pregnancy. I’m sorry your body is not giving you any respite. Pregnancy is so emotional, and there is a lot of physical discomfort, but being in a lot of actual pain must make it so much worse. You can do it though! Be kind to yourself, while you at the same time fight to do what you can for yourself and daughter. There is a light at the end of this tunnel, not to mention a beautiful baby girl!

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