I’m having a rough day. It’s probably mainly hormones, but I’ve spent the last hour crying on and off.
I had an OB appointment today. The baby is fine, but my pain levels are as bad as always. Thankfully my OB is setting me up with physical therapy. They’ll be calling me back soon. She also noted my glucose is still a little high, and if it still is next week, she wants me to see a nutritionist. I just nodded, but it’s the last thing I want to do. She started going on about carbs and checking nutrition labels. Smile and nod. I’ll get mad later.
I was 200 lbs. pre-pregnancy (I’m 4’11”). Does she think I’ve never been on a diet? I was on Jenny Craig. I was on SparkPeople. I’ve used MyFitnessPal. I’ve been to a nutritionist. I know what’s healthy and what’s not, how to read nutrition labels, and what I “should” be eating. The problem is, every time I’ve gone down that road, it’s led to obsessive behaviors and worsening depression. Now, I’m too exhausted and in too much pain to cook. I grab what’s easy. Yes, it involves a lot of carbs, but I try to balance it out. I’m doing the best I can. If I had the energy and appetite to be eating salads all the time, I would be. I WANT what’s best for my baby. Unfortunately, that’s not always possible.
Once in my car, I just started crying. The whole nutritionist thing is so triggering for me. So many years of hating myself, of seeing food as the enemy, of being so hungry I cried because every diet had me on 1,200 calories a day. I know they wouldn’t expect that of me now, but it doesn’t matter. It’s a traumatic subject, something that was a big part of me starting on anti-depressants.
The OB also mentioned taking it easy around the house, that I don’t have to do everything. I’m a housewife. I don’t have any other job, any other kids. Do you know how USELESS it makes me feel to not even be able to do laundry or dishes? We’re not neat freaks by any means, but the guilt of my husband working all day then doing household chores is killing me. I feel like a leech. Am I just supposed to lie around and take occasional walks for the next two months?
And then I feel like it’s so unfair that some people have such easy pregnancies. And then I hate myself for not exercising more (though I was hardly sedentary) earlier in my pregnancy. I got home and sobbed so hard I scared my cats. Right now, I absolutely hate being pregnant. I hate saying that. I hate even thinking it. I don’t regret this pregnancy for a second, but I hate it. I can’t wait for it to be over. I know motherhood is an even bigger challenge, but this? I can’t do this. I can’t take this pain.
Some of you may be angry at this post. I know it sounds whiny and self-indulgent and I should just be grateful I’m pregnant. Trust me, I’m extremely grateful. I smile every time I feel her kick. She’s an amazing miracle. But pregnancy is the worst physical pain I’ve ever been in, and I have experience with pain. I miss my mom. I hate being alone all day. I’m miserable and depressed and I want my baby out of me and in my arms. I’m sorry if that pisses some people off. I wish with all my might I felt differently. I wish I could have enjoyed my only (full-term) pregnancy.